Carolinsblog

Hey there,

Today I want to talk about a topic that has become important to me over time. It’s a topic you usually come across quickly when you live in a family.

It’s about why we often reflect on behavior and why that’s actually never the right way to communicate non-verbally and have arguments. 

(It should be noted that for educational reasons, you often reflect on the behavior of your child or teenager to make you aware of what you have actually done or said…and that makes sense. But that’s not what I mean here).

You sometimes reason that my behavior is based on the other person’s behavior…or because I was treated that way too and so on. You don’t receive love and consequently you „can’t“ give love. You receive destructive criticism and so you are „obliged“ to criticize… but that’s not true. You always decide how you act and what you say. My behavior can’t necessarily be justified and defended by the fact that the other person treated me the same way or that I didn’t receive love from another source.

The decision on how to act is made from the heart, which in Greek was always associated with the will and desire of a person. The heart is exactly where our resentment and grudge towards a certain person comes from… because we don’t want to love them.

You don’t necessarily have to feel like loving the other person and wishing or doing good to them. We choose to do so, often without feeling it.

The problem with reflecting the behavior of others is that you are constantly busy making people feel what has been inflicted on you and so you are not prepared to spread love, even if I have not received it. If everyone only acts by behaving exactly as they have been treated, there will only be love if one person is committed to spreading love and the other person will only reflect this love without paying attention to bringing love themselves and investing themselves.

While reflecting, it can easily happen that the mirror is not set correctly and you hit someone with the rays that did not originate from that person. You then only experience more frustration and anger and thus find yourself in a cycle that never ends if no love can be exercised by me. I will always find a reason why I could criticize, why I could do things better and more beautifully and why I don’t give the other person any recognition, for example. I always find good reasons why I can’t react lovingly. I see my own pain, based on what I have experienced. I see how I have been hurt and yet I can’t find a cure… that’s why I have to attack the other person, because otherwise they might recognize my problem and hurt me even more. But I can’t find healing that way and I don’t get what I actually need. It only makes my condition worse and, whether intentionally or unintentionally, I destroy relationships that were once very important to me. The longer someone is stuck in this loop, the more difficult it becomes to get out of it, because I would have to fundamentally admit that I was wrong and that I have caused damage.

We all, every single one of us, deserve to be loved… and we are already loved by our Father in heaven. Nevertheless, we are called to show love to one another and to spread love… by looking to the one who first loved us. This love comes from HIM, which we can spread and pass on. In Him is the source of love and it is pure poison to have relationships without any love or appreciation. We need to be loved and to give love ourselves… Everyone needs love, because only love makes the heart truly happy and content.

Let us spread love, because we are loved by Jesus, by our Father in heaven… and this love is independent of what I may hold against myself and judge myself for. We will never lose God’s love as His children… that’s a promise! (Romans 8:38-39)

with best regards,

Carolin