Carolinsblog

Broken, desperate, accused, devastated, guilty and worthless… these are the fitting words to describe my heart right now. I find myself in a moment where I do not understand anything… wounds were inflicted on me – by others… or by myself? My joy of life, cheerfulness, disappears which once were those things marking me out as alive. My heart cries… those wounds leave marks – sometimes even more than that, rifts. I begin to build walls around myself in trying to protect me… I feel so much at once but nothing specific by which I could say: this is what brings me out of the healthy heart rhythm. No, so much comes together… I can’t anymore! I was long enough just silent, trying not to let it on that no one notices how I am doing. Fear of not being heard, takes all my courage away and my words fall silent. I am tired and there is so much I can not understand. Desparate and doubtful, two things that go together – in a toxic way – I know this combination all too well. Broken – that is the result of letting all this into my heart and not entrusting myself to anyone. I do not know where to go with myself… wondering who would possibly understand me?? These feelings, this desperation, this pain… my heart cries and tightens noticeably. I can not tell anyone, how could I?

But I need to talk, get rid of that and get free of it…

Guilt is making its way in my head, trying to convince me of giving up because it does not have any sense, anyway. I feel torn apart into a thousand pieces, unable to even put this feeling into words. Everything once seemed so easy, with so much lightness… but now?

Hurt, lost value, small and insignificant… that is what I am and what brings my heart to cry.

I am so ashamed of things I thought, that I should and never wanted to think… Words I have taken the liberty of pronouncing, stand accusingly before me, they catch up with me and draw circles… things I did because I thought it was “not so bad after all”, but I knew beforehand that it were neither righteous nor good for myself. How much pain and sorrow did I cause myself because I thought everything is under my control. How much suffering came into my heart and how much unexpressible fear did I go through… because of things I failed at?…

Jesus interrupts this monologue and says:

Listen: Healing can emerge at this point where you admit what is depressing you and what you carry around with yourself and what is tearing you apart. If you begin to work through those things and try to process it, you will see how much grace I give, day by  day… each morning anew. I, Jesus, show you who can heal hearts and how I want to make you whole again. This perfect love of God unfold its meaning and will be visible and unbelievably valuable for you… I know, what I am doing! Pray to God as loving father and you can and even should run into my arms when you are in need and in need of healing. There are countless verses related to this in my word… here are just some of them: Psalms 50,15 / 34,18 / 51,17 / 119,81 / 120,1 / 145,8+9 / 147,3+18 / Matthew 11,28

In me, you will find peace and rest for your soul… to experience this is just wonderful- believe me! I am the one who is helping you, who is there for you, who understands –  knows – you and never accuses you… You should come exactly as you are and throw yourself in my arms, pouring out your heart before me and letting me love and change you… You will find yourself in a different state in which it will become a burning heart thing, thanking and honoring me because I am making you whole again. I say (in Mark 2,17) that not the healthy are in need of a doctor but the sick are and I came to call sinners into relationship with God. Sinners… you, who are aware of your own guilt, being aware of your need of help, you know that you can not make it on your own because you are too weak… with people who probably deserved grace the least, my power, love and grace have the most meaning. It says: My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness (2.Corinthians 12,9).

Dear reader: being broken is anything but bad because then we can get healed. But in these times we need the Right one with whom we can share all this: Jesus and our father in heaven. Talking with a trustworthy and loving person can additionally be precious and a helping support – we need each other… Jesus talks in the mount sermon oftentimes of “your father in heaven” – why? Maybe becaue the father role of God is for us Christians much more important than His role as a judge or creator… (who God is also, of course, but we focus, in our relationship towards him, on Him as our father).

I, together with my healed heart, can tell a lot because I experienced a lot. I know where help, healing, grace and mercy came from. I know what I am talking about and I am aware that I had nothing to do with that healing taking place in me… it is all grace and love, that is perfect. I just admitted that my heart was broken and vulnerable. Then my heart was made whole by loving father hands so that now I can pass on His love and infect people with it.

If you find yourself right now in such a state of crying and are in need of some help and a pair of listening ears, you’re welcome to contact me… be blessed 🙂

Your Carolin